The Lure of Academia

What do I want to with my life, and more importantly, why do I want to do it?

I'm currently coming to the end of my PhD and am considering what to do next. I have been considering doing a Postdoc but what is my motivation? What is the lure of academia?

1. Curiosity about maths and how it can be used.
   But isn't it selfish to devote myself to something simply because I want to know more? If I want to know more about history I'll buy a book and read about it, I don't expect to get paid by the taxpayer to satisfy my interests.
2. A desire to teach.
   I like the idea of explaining things to other people and passing on knowledge but quite a few academics dislike teaching, so will I fit in? They see teaching as a distraction from their all important research and moreover you're employed for your research and not your teaching. Since no one can ever guarantee that (pure) mathematics research will ever have a real world application, is this attitude towards teaching justified? Shouldn't the taxpayer expect a return on their money? Isn't this best achieved by analytical minds entering the workplace and not by some really pure result in a narrow field of interest? Shouldn't the students paying their fees and so the academics' salaries expect to be the academics' priority?
3. Pride.
   Do I just want to to show people that I can do research? That I'm not thick. I think a large part of academia is motivated by pride. They work with the attitude that “I will show how clever I am by tackling a tough problem”. They work so that they can get to the top and say “Look, I have X number of publications; I'm the big boy in the field”. And each person thinks that their work is incredibly important, however pure and esoteric, and society owes it to them to continue in them endeavour.
4. Because it's expected of me.
   People assume its the next logical thing to do. I'd look a fool for walking away with no clear idea what to do. But I should fear God not man.
5. Fear of the unknown. 
   I'm institutionalised. I've been in full time education all my life. I have no idea what the Big Bad World is like out there and whether it will blow me down. Where do I fit in?
6. To serve God.
   People in academia need to hear the gospel as much as anyone on the outside. But will being on the inside help? Is this just masking a desire to be credible, to say “look I'm intelligent and am a Christian – you don't have to abandon your reason”? But all this really boils down to is “Trust Christ because I'm clever.” That's an attitude that God will never use to save anyone. In addition

   22 Jews demand signs and Greeks look for wisdom, 23 but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, 24 but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. 25 For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength. I Cor 1:22-24.

   Christianity will always appear to be foolish to the wise in the world, it doesn't matter how educated its exponents are.

So having looked at my motivations, a postdoc doesn't seem the wisest idea. I wouldn't mind doing one if I can see how the research might be beneficial to society and if it fits in with the more important things in my life. However I thinks that's unlikely and so it's probably time to move on. There are far more important things in my life than the job I do. Which leaves me pondering what to do next?

I'm afraid of the future and so there's always the temptation to stay in academia and to continue with what I know. But God's in control and He loves me so why should I fear? If I never take a risk, trusting God to provide for me. I'll never live, I'll live forever in a cage of my own making.